I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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