it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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