So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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