I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
