No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
