are you still at the devil's house?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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