help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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