Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
