i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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