he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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