Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
