you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We had sex on a dog bed..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
