I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
