No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
