I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
