Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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