Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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