I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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