I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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