My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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