Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
