never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
