guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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