I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
