Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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