i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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