someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
