wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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