I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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