Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
