dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
