Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
