Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
