i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
