god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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