Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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