What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
