Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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