There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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