Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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