cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
pop tarts are not kleenex
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
