i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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