first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
