I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i drank out of a bidet.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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