What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize