i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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