Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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