Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
