i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You ate ashes out of my bong
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
