You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
