What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
