I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
