you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
