Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
