Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
