i jhust puked up my retainher.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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