the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
