Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
