a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
