my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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