Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
