New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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