I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
True strength comes from lack of pants
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
