How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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